Here Are The Do’s And Don’ts In The Steam Room

Steam Room Shenanigans 101


If you’re like me your gym has a steam room and it’s relaxing and can sometimes lead to post workout self-massages. Some guys seem totally clueless about how to get it going or what’s acceptable and what came up with a list of best practices for beating the bishop in a semi-public environment.


  1. Don’t get caught and don’t be a creep.
    Pretty self-explanatory right? While it’s common this isn’t acceptable behavior and can get you thrown out of the gym or potentially arrested so be discrete. If you’re feeling the need to choke your chicken but no one else seems to be then give it a rest and hit the showers.


  1. Read the room. If you’re eyeing a guy but he isn’t looking back, reading the paper, or doesn’t make eye contact he probably just wants to enjoy a serene sweaty steam. When in doubt refer to rule number 1. Also if everyone else in the room seems itching to polish their family jewels but something if holding them back, there’s probably a “weak link” in the room. If you’re the guy no one is wanting to jack with (and I have been), it totally sucks but take one for the team and peace out.


  1. Pick a mark. Unless it’s a big group or you have all day to just hang out, pick a guy, hope he’s down for some man-ual labor with you and see how it goes. If he leaves, game over, if he stays stick around. I wouldn’t recommend more than like 3 trips in and out of the room or you’ll risk breaking rule number 1. However if a guy goes in and out of the room a few times he’s probably cruising too.


  1. Test the waters. So your man or another guy or two (or more) is in the game. If you make eye contact a few times, try lifting your towel up to blot your face and see if he/they gives your gherkin a look. If a guy isn’t interested he’ll keep his eyes closed, won’t look over, or potentially give you a dirty look. If a dude looks interested or maintains eye contact there’s a good chance he wants to see more.
  1. Go for it! The guy looked over more than once and is making eye contact—it’s probably a safe bet. Start pawing at your pole and see if he does too. If so go for it! Stick to your own unless you’re pretty confident he’s cool with a helping hand—don’t overstep your boundaries.


  1. Keep it simple. Jerking off with a newfound buddy or two is harmless enough fun but sucking dick in a steam room is borderline behavior unless the club is really empty and I wouldn’t advise fucking. Again, when in doubt refer to rule number 1.


  1. Be considerate. Once your python has spit its venom clean it up! Spooge on yourself, in a towel, or if you have an uncontrollable salami spray, use your towel and wipe it up.



What are your tips for hanging in the steam room?

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